The Truth

Lester made it to Ziran. I don't know how long ago, but I just noticed he's there. It probably took him *this* long, Mark. 2 god damn years. I thought, on account of this, it was time for me to stop inhabiting this body and name of Ziranath. I'm not what he is anymore.

Lester has, I think, been helping me. I thought of changing the name to Lester, in his honor. Name's taken, though... And I'm not going to try Knox, because even *that* has been torn apart by the internet.

I don't want to invent a new persona because I don't want to do to him what I did to Kildarre, Ziranath and Xiang-Wei. Though I suppose I don't owe them any apology - they wouldn't exist if not for me, but I can't guide them anymore. And I wouldn't dream of touching Lester. He's a guest in my home.

I don't know what to do! I want a new journal to get away from Ziranath, but doing so would create another life. Who am I to do that after I've already birthed three?

Though I do know of one wayward soul, abandoned long past when his creator shed his skin the way I'm doing. Maybe if I were to join with him, and with Lester's help, I could progress into the man I need to be.

I don't know how comfortable I feel about assuming this man's identity, but I think he'll know it's me - and understand.

...

Note to the general public - my new journal is jumahn.

How can one hate what he has come to represent, but love his present?

How can one hate what he was, but love his past for its role in helping form his present?

How can one change without erasing?

How can one erase what made them?

I feel as if what I need is a fresh start. But it can't be that way without losing some important things.

I'm going to try some new things...

I'm going to delete a lot of you from my friends list and AIM list right now. If you still want to be a part of my life, you can comment, or IM me, or whatever you wish to do, but know that there is no offense intended by removing you and none taken if you choose to seperate from me. This is the clean slate, the clean break. It's not a plea for attention... But I don't like what this journal *is*, anymore. I avoid it like the plague, and I only really read about 3% of my friends list.

The truth is I've just lost a lot of interest in the things and people I used to be interested in. I'm happy now, but I'm a different man than I was before. I know, I've said that a couple times in the course of this journal, and it's been true each time. Nor do I think I'm done changing, or growing.

As you can tell, by the way, I'm back and alive from my little trip. And my head is still swimming.

Sometimes it feels like I'm dealing with a little kid who pretends that if they covers their ears and scream as loud as they can, all their problems will disappear. Though this is a lot more quiet, but the signs that you're still around are so - damn - obvious. I'd laugh if it amused me as much as it feels like it should.

Enjoy the weeks of silence, though I can't imagine it'll be too different for you than usual right now.

I *still* have a headache. But the cause is a spectre! No use discussing it.

I'm *sure* you got my messages, btw. If not - they're over at the other.

I hope for my sanity's sake you've brought yourself to be able to talk whenever it is I come back, because I don't want to end up driving there to force a discussion just cause I'm pissed. And you don't want that, I'm damn sure.

PS Hey everyone I'm gonna go on a trip; I'll be back later this month or early next.

PPS Sounds like you are forgetting this, so I love you, even though sometimes you frustrate the shit out of me.

You don't even fucking KNOW.

MARK AND MEG ARE THROUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My life is incredibly awesome right now.

I got MY computer here, finally. And the rest of my stuff.

Imnotusnit (1:28:20 PM): I am surrounded by dum Germans :(
Imnotusnit (1:28:29 PM): They delivered my computer and TV today
Imnotusnit (1:28:37 PM): And then they came back and tried to take my TV back
TwistedMascara (1:28:41 PM): Wait, you have the internet now?
Imnotusnit (1:28:47 PM): They were like "Oops, that's someone else's TV!"
TwistedMascara (1:28:51 PM): Haha
Imnotusnit (1:28:56 PM): And I was like "No, that's mine. If it's not, where's my TV?"
Imnotusnit (1:29:00 PM): And they pointed at my MONITOR
Imnotusnit (1:29:03 PM): Germans are DUM

Setting everything up takes a long time...

I'm glad I'm here. Life can be good to me...

For anyone interested:

Address
Paul Knox
CMR 440 Box 123
APO AE 09175

Number
- 01636907623 (within Germany)
- Outside of Germany, I guess you'd call 011 49 1636 907 623.

Because I'm sure people from the states are gonna call. :(

( So of course I'm going to fuck around. WARNING: Survey follows. )

Stolen from a frau.

I (officially) proposed to Mandy on Sunday at 9 PM.

She's got the pictures of us and the ring and like that, I don't have anything. I don't even have a computer. :(

Must not forget this day, this time.

summary of my friend's list right now:

wahhhhhhhhhhhh

I sure am koffing a lot. :(

Hey female, what'd they say?

Note: This totally is not Knox making this update. :(

Signed, Mark, the man consuming 45% of the total personage of the picture below. :(

<3 you, Paul. Make America(uh) proud!

( 近影 です )

I would just like to say that Germans are smelly and they all have cooties.

I'm in THE FUTURE!!!

I'm in Frankfurt for the time being, at the 64th Replacement Detachment. It's nice and relaxed here. I leave tomorrow for Darmstadt and my actual assignment; I hear the inprocessing is going to take 2 weeks and that we are locked down the whole time. Sucks.

But I'll still see Mandy on Saturday. ^_^

I'm okay, folks, just muy jetlagged. It's been a long day. I left in the morning and arrived in the morning because time is dumb.

Guess I'll try and get some sleep.

Well folks, we're in the final stretch here.

I returned from FTX yesterday and got my first sleep in a week. It was glorious.

Got sick and got hurt but I'll be ok.

In 5 days I graduate; in 8 I leave America for 2 years.

I've seen a lot of you here in America, so Europeans, be ready. :)

I guess I'm gonna start packing my stuff soon, so the computer will be disappearing... I guess I'll check in with everyone next time I find the internet, which shouldn't be too far off, depending.

Darmstadt, here I come.

My god, looking at satellite maps of the places I used to be and the things I used to do hits me with a wave of serious nausea from the nostalgia it brings.

I almost can't believe what's about to happen. I'm leaving my country, and although I'll be back, all my family and most my friends have now left my hometown. I have no reason to go back there, anymore.

I've never been thrown this off my rocker by a move before.

3 weeks from today...

I hope I can get my $1000 back.

Mandy: Call me on Sunday anytime after I guess 6 AM my time. If you can't call, please be online. I need to talk to you because I won't get a chance afterwords until 3 days before graduation. If Sunday's not good, I guess you could try Saturday, but the chances I'll be around before my afternoon/evening are slim.

Everyone else: If you want to talk to me, this weekend would be ideal, cause I pretty much disappear after it. I might get connectivity in Germany sooner than later and I might not - no idea. There's too much stuff to figure out.

So uh, until further notice, this weekend is probably Knox's Last Stand (For A While).

(Also, if you see this before then, call 4918023973342 to cancel that stupid ticket, please. Tell them I got military orders that changed everything and I can fax it to them if they want. You have all the information, I'm sure; I just can't understand when I try to call and it costs me a buttload of money. :( If they give you shit, tell me what the shit is and I'll try to deal with it..)

As I teeter on the edge of a life which scares me because of how unprepared I truly am for it, I look back and reflect on my past, something I rarely have the time to do anymore. I know I shouldn't, because I have only 5 1/2 hours until I must again be up and active. I can't afford to spend my time in this state, but so often do I obsess over my future and my present now that I don't have the time to think about how I got this way, why I am here...

I was 17 and a senior in a high school I frequently ditched, knowing that in the end I could pull through, which I did. I did it through the grace of God, too, because my inadequacies due to my lack of attendance were blaring. And yet, the teachers knew about the person I was, and allowed the behavior to continue. I don't condone it, and yet...

In doing as I did, and still getting by, I set the standard for the rest of my life.

Even so, I attended night classes for both A+ Certification and Airport Occupations. I eventually dropped the former, but the latter I followed through with, even though it's worthless to me now. And I STILL eventually got my A+ due to my own intense study. And I took Tae Kwon Do in the night, and Karate in the morning.

And inbetween this, in my senior year, I lived with my mother, which, to this day, I look back on as the best period of my entire life. It was like having a roommate who I really, really loved. My mom, and my dog, and me. We had fights once in an extremely brief while and as a roommate I was so flawed, because I was a bad son and didn't do everything I needed to. But, except for moments when I was depressed because of Angela, I think there was nary a day where I didn't wake up happy and go to sleep happy. She let me live to my fullest and she lived her own life to its fullest. I hope...

Although Alan turned it into a shithole, that house, for me, emitted happiness. I loved being in it, near it, around it, belonging to it. Dreary as it was, that was my haven. It was my center of power. And I felt powerful. I think back to times where I felt like I could do anything because of that house. I'd go out in my weak little Tercel (which I only had thanks to the generosity of my mother and her parents.) and go wherever the fuck I felt like. And do whatever the fuck I felt like. For however long I felt like.

Highschool was a joke and I took it as such. I did whatever I wanted to and I still passed. The colors weren't flying but it was unneccesary. Of course I have the post HS feelings of "If only I'd tried harder..!", but that's not my concern anymore. I did what I did and here I am.

But god, I look back at my happiness and my power, and I could have had anything..!

That's how I felt, every day. I woke up and I conquered!

Those were the best days of my life...

I don't understand why I can't go back to that anymore. Why I feel like that feeling will never return.

Maybe I should have bought that house after all...

There are so many futures that got stifled when I went all relationship silly and moved to Wisconsin, and my life hasn't shifted gears yet. So much has happened since then.

I want my center back... I'd give so much to feel that way about my life again, before it gets taken.

The whole weekend, I'm around, and of course, not a trace of her.

I disappear after next week.

And she wonders why she has to wake up at 5AM because of a phonecall sometimes.

Geez. >:(

So why do I involve myself in other people's business?

Because I feel like it. And because my own business is boring when nothing new and good is ever happening. Not that that's the case right now, because some new and good shit is happening. But if you wonder why I just decided to butt in with this little revelation and change everything for you - that's why. I felt like it.

And because I have an alarming hate for nearly all things.

Naw jus playin ^_^

Maybe.

With an approximate 3 weeks, 6 days and 21 hours (technically, 20 hours and 49 minutes. 48 now.) remaining, I can reflect on this place a little more adequately. My training is pretty much done. Am I allowed to be bitter? Fuck yes, I am. The training that I went through was appropriate training. It was all the REST that made the whole experience thoroughly miserable.

But, I have resolved that unless the case calls for it, I am not going to whine about that in this fora again, nor will I continue to bring it up. Things here are about to somewhat look up, even though we are going to soon be gearing up for our week with no sleep. That will be unpleasant. Nobody will see me. It's a Field Training Exercise, so I'll pretty much be in war conditions. So hope for me if you're not disgusted with me. And if you are, get the fuck out of here, you utter coward.

The ones who know me know exactly how I feel about the truth.

IT HURTS WHEN YOU TRY TO AVOID IT, DOESN'T IT? Don't know as much as you thought you did, do you? Gee, who to blame? Yourselves? Couldn't do that!

In other news.

Mrs. Knoxürgans, I haven't found out anything. I tried. But they don't know, either. I've thought about it, though... I think that I want you out here either way, for this event. I haven't decided yet. That's why I wanted to know what YOU thought about it.

Mom, dad, since you don't know what's going on - the leave I had to take for Christmas exodus put me a LOT in the whole. Therefore... I may not have any time for leave. Maybe 2 and a half days before I have to leave for Germany...

Point is, now that they've let us know this bullshit, some of these tickets may have to be refunded. I hate the idea but we might just have to stay here. I'm so sorry. They didn't let us know anything until yesterday.

I think what they're trying to do is make EVERYBODY hate Delta Company instead of just me. They wanted as much money to be wasted as possible so that they can drop new shit into our laps at the last minute.

What does this mean? I might just go to my unit and have her come to there for a little while, if I find it won't be worth it to have her out. But, almost definitely, it would be improbable and a waste of money/time to leave Arizona.

Have I mentioned I dislike Delta Company?

We're making a T-Shirt that hopefully reflects the opinion of our platoon. I don't think our CO/1SG/DSes will like it. We may have to modify a few things. hahaha.

Gotta get up early tomorrow to go shoot again. Guess what - I have a chance to requalify as Expert instead of Sharpshooter (1 SHOT, JUST 1, short of expert FUCKFUCKFUCK) soooo in the next two days I plan to change my badge and skill level. I am an expert shot thanks to all that Perfect Dark and Goldeneye. >:(

As to everything else, I just don't feel like writing about anything anymore. It's probably bedtime.

We are the only ones to do all of this... At least, at the end - even though we've been so horribly screwed - we can say we were the first, and we are the best for it. Nobody before us matches up.

Goddamnit I'm gonna go to bed now. This place is frustrating but maybe this weekend I can... unwind.

hahahahaha.

Jurg, I'll be around Sunday. You pick the time. :(